A post written during a lunch hour last Friday:
——————————————————————-
Although this is sort of ironic to even post about this, let me tell you one of the things that I absolutely must improve on: negative self talk.
I still have moments of self ridicule, of treating my body so poorly despite the fact that only moments before I was swearing that I would treat it better.
But I don’t. As soon as the wave of compulsion hits, I drown in numbness to awake to a painfully full belly and a sinking feeling in the tum as well.
“I did it again,” I think.
Some times, more often than not these days, I don’t get that sinking feeling; I just am happy that I enjoyed a meal even if it was too large. Still… I am not immune to self-destruction.
But when I eat to avoid feeling, to induce the numbing coma that makes life bearable at that point in time, then I just feel awful about it.
And the Circle of Crap is complete.
*sigh*
I’m trying to find a life line when I find myself slipping away from reality, when I want to bury my head in the ground and not acknowledge that I am a part of this world but rather imagine myself what I should be, what I could be.
What I am not.
*deep breath*
I am sad because I miss my Mr. H. He is back in the Midwest for a few days, and even though I am enjoying my Me time, I’m filling the emptiness of his absence with food.
I need to embrace that discomfort of his absence. I need to feel it, know it, acknowledge it, because the effort of trying to ignore the feeling tends to destroy me.
I deserve better than that. Mr. H deserves better than that.
I love him, I love me. I forgive myself for my imperfections; I will love myself because of my imperfections. It’s ok. It isn’t the end of the world, and much of the weekend is left to sit back and truly worship who I am and what I can accomplish. He will return, and in the meantime he will be inside my heart as always.
It’ll be ok.
Hm! I already feel better!
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