Eating the Emptiness

Posted by Loricious on 10/12/2010 in Main with No Comments

A post written during a lunch hour last Friday:
——————————————————————-
Although this is sort of ironic to even post about this, let me tell you one of the things that I absolutely must improve on: negative self talk.

I still have moments of self ridicule, of treating my body so poorly despite the fact that only moments before I was swearing that I would treat it better.

But I don’t. As soon as the wave of compulsion hits, I drown in numbness to awake to a painfully full belly and a sinking feeling in the tum as well.

“I did it again,” I think.

Some times, more often than not these days, I don’t get that sinking feeling; I just am happy that I enjoyed a meal even if it was too large. Still… I am not immune to self-destruction.

But when I eat to avoid feeling, to induce the numbing coma that makes life bearable at that point in time, then I just feel awful about it.

And the Circle of Crap is complete.

*sigh*

I’m trying to find a life line when I find myself slipping away from reality, when I want to bury my head in the ground and not acknowledge that I am a part of this world but rather imagine myself what I should be, what I could be.

What I am not.

*deep breath*

I am sad because I miss my Mr. H. He is back in the Midwest for a few days, and even though I am enjoying my Me time, I’m filling the emptiness of his absence with food.

I need to embrace that discomfort of his absence. I need to feel it, know it, acknowledge it, because the effort of trying to ignore the feeling tends to destroy me.

I deserve better than that. Mr. H deserves better than that.

I love him, I love me. I forgive myself for my imperfections; I will love myself because of my imperfections. It’s ok. It isn’t the end of the world, and much of the weekend is left to sit back and truly worship who I am and what I can accomplish. He will return, and in the meantime he will be inside my heart as always.

It’ll be ok.

Hm! I already feel better!

« previous post

Oh, me buttocks

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Losing Faith in Science

Frankly, eating clean is not easy when you are ruled by instant gratification and a strong desire for bagels and cream cheese. Lately, I've been really making an effort to eat "clean", meaning cutting way back on heavily processed items. If I want bread, I make it. If I want rice, I...

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Is reading stories or watching movies detrimental?

Think about it. I don't know about y'all, but when I'm under stress I retreat into books and movies. Before my wedding, I spent a good portion of the morning with my nose sunk into Harry Potter. I even read whilst in my wedding dress. And it dawned on me last...

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Now that little message can be construed with a variety of tones. The first one that comes to mind is "bitchy." In your face. I just poured hot coffee all over you but since I loathe your existence, I'm sorry I'm not sorry. A *bit* much for ol' Loricious here, since the anger...

Here we go ’round the mullberry bush…

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Frankly, eating clean is not easy when you are ruled by instant gratification and a strong desire for bagels and cream cheese. Lately, I've been really making an effort to eat "clean", meaning cutting way back on heavily processed items. If I want bread, I make it. If I want rice, I...

Oh, me buttocks

They be sore. I started yoga again this last Monday. My work offers classes at a reasonable price and I've desperately wanted to do it again but never got up the momentum to bust out the mat at home. The result: my tush is achy. EVERYTHING is achy, more than a jog...

Changing of the seasons

I don't know about anyone else, but once that great big ball of fire fails to be up before I do, experience a serious lack of hauling myself out of bed before 6:00 a.m. Mind: I've been up and at 'em between 5 and 5:45 if only to putz around the house, clean a...

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I'm going through a massive organizational overhaul here. It is an extension of the newer look, easier navigation, better label/categories, etc. I'm going to try to stay away from actual posting on the main blog and tracking it all on the new page "Changing the Face of Diet Schmiet." Just so you know....

Sorry, I’m Not Sorry

Now that little message can be construed with a variety of tones. The first one that comes to mind is "bitchy." In your face. I just poured hot coffee all over you but since I loathe your existence, I'm sorry I'm not sorry. A *bit* much for ol' Loricious here, since the anger...

Here we go ’round the mullberry bush…

My life has been in a slight whirlwind of activity and I've let myself fall to the wayside in terms of nuturing myself and my delicate psyche. It's easy to lose sight of the goal when it passes you by; in my case a wedding and the subsequent BACK on those silly 5 stinking...

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Ingredients: 1 Box Yellow Cake 1 pkg of chocolate chips (I used milk chocolate) 1 pkg of instant french vanilla pudding 1-2 T of shortening Make pudding according to directions; put in fridge while the cake and everything bakes. Bake yellow cake in two 8-9" circle pans according to directions. I use applesauce in place of oil. Cool completely. Now,...

Recipe Review: Zucchini Bread

Everyone agrees that this is one of the best zucchini bread recipes around. My neighbors have raved, Mr. H wolfs down his fair share, and my brother wanted the recipe. I adapted it from the tried and true Better Homes and Gardens cookbook. Zucchini Bread Preheat 350 Ingredients: 1.5 c. all purpose flour 1 t. ground cinnamon (optional) 0.5 t. baking...

View the original article here

Is reading stories or watching movies detrimental?

Posted by Loricious on 9/16/2010 in Trinity with 1 Comment

Think about it. I don’t know about y’all, but when I’m under stress I retreat into books and movies.

Before my wedding, I spent a good portion of the morning with my nose sunk into Harry Potter. I even read whilst in my wedding dress.

And it dawned on me last night that this practice of mine, my ultimate escape even above and beyond food is forgetting entirely about the real world in a story, is hardly meditative.

Meditation is, I think, a way to be present. To lose yourself IN your self, in your surroundings, in reality, no matter how painful or acute the appropriate emotion is.

Yet I decide to turn my back on reality all the time, in a book. In a TV series.

Is this counterproductive? Should I put down the book and start facing reality more often? Is that why I can easily get through a multi-hour drive, because my mind is completely NOT present?

Can anyone else relate?

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Eating the Emptiness

A post written during a lunch hour last Friday: ------------------------------------------------------------------- Although this is sort of ironic to even post about this, let me tell you one of the things that I absolutely must improve on: negative self talk. I still have moments of self ridicule, of treating my body so poorly despite the fact that only moments...

Writing as Therapy

I'm starting to get back into writing, more so than ever before in my life and I'm enjoying it a great deal. And I found a blog that speaks to me quite clearly: Eat Move Write. I mean, come on: it fits me like a glove! :) What is the great giant...

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I'm exhausted today and I can immediately pinpoint why: I haven't been religious about my allergy medication. I haven't been formally diagnosed with specifics mostly because my physicians in the past have been like, "Oh, well, here is some nasal spray. Doesn't matter what it is, just shoot it." I'm kinda over the whole "just take...

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Writing as Therapy

I'm starting to get back into writing, more so than ever before in my life and I'm enjoying it a great deal. And I found a blog that speaks to me quite clearly: Eat Move Write. I mean, come on: it fits me like a glove! :) What is the great giant...

Trinity: an examination of the Loricious

I'm exhausted today and I can immediately pinpoint why: I haven't been religious about my allergy medication. I haven't been formally diagnosed with specifics mostly because my physicians in the past have been like, "Oh, well, here is some nasal spray. Doesn't matter what it is, just shoot it." I'm kinda over the whole "just take...

View the original article here

Losing Faith in Science

Frankly, eating clean is not easy when you are ruled by instant gratification and a strong desire for bagels and cream cheese. Lately, I’ve been really making an effort to eat “clean”, meaning cutting way back on heavily processed items. If I want bread, I make it. If I want rice, I do it old school – no minute rice. In short, I force myself to make the junk food on my own and it takes a lot more effort than ripping open a box. I’ve been having home grown spaghetti squash roasted with chicken cutlets, whole garlic cloves, and yellow onion chunks drizzled in olive oil and served over a bed of fresh spinach. That really sounds Holy Healthy, a dish to make any food elitist sniff to herself and think herself all high and mighty. Luckily, it tastes darn good because no matter how elite a dish seems, if it doesn’t taste good I’m not having any of it.

But I haven’t gotten around to making my own bagels or cream cheese despite the fact I know how to do both.

And the ability to create healthy, fresh food does not in and of itself wipe away the desire to pop in a Stouffer’s lasagna and call it a night.

What is wrong with instant food?

Two weeks ago, I would have responded with, “Meh, anything in moderation.” But now I wonder if that is what is killing our nation. Because we *say* moderation but we do otherwise. Also, most importantly, we aren’t really eating real food anymore.

Blame it on Michael Pollan and his manifesto In Defense of Food. His motto: Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.

Sounds easy, right? But it isn’t, if you really think about it. Farmer’s markets and “clean eating” is just coming into vogue; grocery stores still lure you down the aisles to tempt you with quick and easy meals that have very little real food in it. Read a label (I know you do anyway). But not the “nutrients.” Read that ingredient label. Like on a Sara Lee bread. Bread is really only supposed to be a combo of flour, yeast, water, and sugar (if you use milk, you wouldn’t even need the sugar). Sometimes eggs are tossed in for texture, salt for flavor, but that’s really is it. Now look at your bread.

What the heck is it? It isn’t bread. It is this science experiment engineered to give us maximum pleasure with removing untold amounts of nutrients in the process.

Getting to the meat of the matter:
The book blew my mind and finished shattering any confidence I have in taking any science at full face value. Especially nutritional science. One day we’re not supposed to eat eggs, then it is no bread, then it is more bran, then it is no butter but margarine but now margarine is going to kill us all.

Sigh. Aren’t you just tired of the nutritional world just NOT ADMITTING that they don’t know anything? It’s like the biology community stating as fact that they have discovered every last species on Earth and then discovering a brand new one the very next day. Of course, they don’t make those outrageous assumptions, but the realm of nutrition and food science does. They take whole, natural foods, make some ridiculous connection of some nutrient to heart disease (saturated fat), take it out of the food and replace it with something “better” (transfat), and then stand there and wonder why heart disease continues to increase. Oh, it is the transfats.

Whoops.

Well, I’m tired of the whoopsies. I’m ready to say “f-it” to every last piece of advice from any scientist who boasts that they have it all figured out. (Has anyone wondered why I keep throwing down the bullshit card each and every time a scientist announces that global warming is a human induced problem? GROWL!)

You know what probably won’t kill me? Whole foods. Foods from a garden, foods from farms that raise grass-fed cattle.

Ok: so what will I do when I go out and get myself a McDouble? Eat it, goddammit. Cuz I like me some plastic food sometimes.

But not for long. I’m not sure if it is too late for my eating choices to have an impact on my own health (i.e. has the damage already been done?) but if we do start a family my choices will impact our children.

Time for some tough choices.

It’s funny. I rely on the absolute truth of math, and yet I know sometimes 1+1 does not equal 2. I’m losing my faith in everything that I’ve trusted in. Does that suck, or is that an opportunity to inject more imagination and creativity and color in such a black and white scientific universe?

« previous post

Eating the Emptiness

A post written during a lunch hour last Friday: -----------------------------------------...

View the original article here

Oh, me buttocks

Posted by Loricious on 10/6/2010 in Main with No Comments

They be sore.

I started yoga again this last Monday. My work offers classes at a reasonable price and I’ve desperately wanted to do it again but never got up the momentum to bust out the mat at home.

The result: my tush is achy. EVERYTHING is achy, more than a jog or a session on the recumbent bike. But these are the good hurts. These are the hurts that make me smile, that tells me YES I have definitely worked my body. We even did a little meditation so even my brain (brwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains) got a little massage. AND I’m proud to say that after over 10 years of on and off yoga, I finally know how to properly do a downward facing dog. FINALLY.

My toe, on the other hand, is not just achy but it hurts. I didn’t stop to think about what yoga could do to aggravate my jumping injury, but it definitely made me hobble for the last two days. Tonight, after getting my nieces birthday gift done, I fully intend on immersing myself in a gloriously hot bath full of epsom salts and a glass of vino AND my Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest.

In other news, work is rocking my world, I’m enjoying the pups, Cat has regained most of his sanity, and life is just all-round good. I’m blogging even more now on some family blogs; actually I’m continuing to just write more often. I’m finally ready to utilize that creative outlet and so my life feels that much more complete.

I can’t explain it, but I have a feeling that most of y’all out there are creative in one way or another and find it extremely gratifying to just unload everything on to a canvas, into a song, onto notebook paper, into wood, into the clothes or costumes you create.

That is certainly exercising the mind and soul right there: being creative.

I don’t think I can bring this post back round to my butt so I’ll just leave it at that.

« previous post

Changing of the seasons

I don't know about anyone else, but once that great big ball of fire fails to be up before...

next post »

Eating the Emptiness

A post written during a lunch hour last Friday: -----------------------------------------...

A Brief Moving Lament

Ah...the unpacking. There is something about it that I love, and another that I loathe. Upside: I get to decorate and putter around the house looking for the optimum placement of a particular knick or knack. Downside: Being under a deadline. Family in town in 7 days. Furniture delivery in 9 days. Gah....

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Emotional upheaval. Period.

My body has been going through some minor changes over the last couple of months. I used to be a 34 day-er, with minimal cramps, mood swings, nothing out of the ordinary. Then the month of exhaustion and discomfort comes, a month of ridiculous mood roller coasters and random food binges. I came at 28...

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I wrote a post about how to re-do your blog over at Hollaback Health. Great group of women over there; enjoy not only my post but everything else they have out. Excellent resource for bloggers! ...

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Over at Hollaback Health, there was a post about Say Yes To The Dress: Big Bliss. It triggered a lot of resentment about big women singled out for being big and then subsequently exploiting and fetishizing fat women. I was in the minority in my disagreement. Mostly because my knee jerk reaction was...

Losing Faith in Science

Frankly, eating clean is not easy when you are ruled by instant gratification and a strong desire for bagels and cream cheese. Lately, I've been really making an effort to eat "clean", meaning cutting way back on heavily processed items. If I want bread, I make it. If I want rice, I...

Eating the Emptiness

A post written during a lunch hour last Friday: ------------------------------------------------------------------- Although this is sort of ironic to even post about this, let me tell you one of the things that I absolutely must improve on: negative self talk. I still have moments of self ridicule, of treating my body so poorly despite the fact that only moments...

Changing of the seasons

I don't know about anyone else, but once that great big ball of fire fails to be up before I do, experience a serious lack of hauling myself out of bed before 6:00 a.m. Mind: I've been up and at 'em between 5 and 5:45 if only to putz around the house, clean a...

Tweaking Diet Schmiet

I'm going through a massive organizational overhaul here. It is an extension of the newer look, easier navigation, better label/categories, etc. I'm going to try to stay away from actual posting on the main blog and tracking it all on the new page "Changing the Face of Diet Schmiet." Just so you know....

Sorry, I’m Not Sorry

Now that little message can be construed with a variety of tones. The first one that comes to mind is "bitchy." In your face. I just poured hot coffee all over you but since I loathe your existence, I'm sorry I'm not sorry. A *bit* much for ol' Loricious here, since the anger...

Here we go ’round the mullberry bush…

My life has been in a slight whirlwind of activity and I've let myself fall to the wayside in terms of nuturing myself and my delicate psyche. It's easy to lose sight of the goal when it passes you by; in my case a wedding and the subsequent BACK on those silly 5 stinking...

Recipe Review: Boston Cream Cake

Ingredients: 1 Box Yellow Cake 1 pkg of chocolate chips (I used milk chocolate) 1 pkg of instant french vanilla pudding 1-2 T of shortening Make pudding according to directions; put in fridge while the cake and everything bakes. Bake yellow cake in two 8-9" circle pans according to directions. I use applesauce in place of oil. Cool completely. Now,...

Recipe Review: Zucchini Bread

Everyone agrees that this is one of the best zucchini bread recipes around. My neighbors have raved, Mr. H wolfs down his fair share, and my brother wanted the recipe. I adapted it from the tried and true Better Homes and Gardens cookbook. Zucchini Bread Preheat 350 Ingredients: 1.5 c. all purpose flour 1 t. ground cinnamon (optional) 0.5 t. baking...

View the original article here

To me the buttocks

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Posted by Loricious on 10/6/2010 in Main with No Comments

They be sore.

I started yoga again this last Monday. My work offers classes at a reasonable price and I’ve desperately wanted to do it again but never got up the momentum to bust out the mat at home.

The result: my tush is achy. EVERYTHING is achy, more than a jog or a session on the recumbent bike. But these are the good hurts. These are the hurts that make me smile, that tells me YES I have definitely worked my body. We even did a little meditation so even my brain (brwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains) got a little massage. AND I’m proud to say that after over 10 years of on and off yoga, I finally know how to properly do a downward facing dog. FINALLY.

My toe, on the other hand, is not just achy but it hurts. I didn’t stop to think about what yoga could do to aggravate my jumping injury, but it definitely made me hobble for the last two days. Tonight, after getting my nieces birthday gift done, I fully intend on immersing myself in a gloriously hot bath full of epsom salts and a glass of vino AND my Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest.

In other news, work is rocking my world, I’m enjoying the pups, Cat has regained most of his sanity, and life is just all-round good. I’m blogging even more now on some family blogs; actually I’m continuing to just write more often. I’m finally ready to utilize that creative outlet and so my life feels that much more complete.

I can’t explain it, but I have a feeling that most of y’all out there are creative in one way or another and find it extremely gratifying to just unload everything on to a canvas, into a song, onto notebook paper, into wood, into the clothes or costumes you create.

That is certainly exercising the mind and soul right there: being creative.

I don’t think I can bring this post back round to my butt so I’ll just leave it at that.

« previous post

Changing of the seasons

I don't know about anyone else, but once that great big ball of fire fails to be up before...

next post »

Eating the Emptiness

A post written during a lunch hour last Friday: -----------------------------------------...

A Brief Moving Lament

Ah...the unpacking. There is something about it that I love, and another that I loathe. Upside: I get to decorate and putter around the house looking for the optimum placement of a particular knick or knack. Downside: Being under a deadline. Family in town in 7 days. Furniture delivery in 9 days. Gah....

I Suck At Facebook, Mickey Mouse’s Sage Advice

My job has made an honest woman out of me. Not that I had much choice... No Internet access to Facebook, email, fun sites forcibly makes you productive. It's brilliant. Downside is that I'm never on. I do check periodically, or try to, at home, so if I don't...

Emotional upheaval. Period.

My body has been going through some minor changes over the last couple of months. I used to be a 34 day-er, with minimal cramps, mood swings, nothing out of the ordinary. Then the month of exhaustion and discomfort comes, a month of ridiculous mood roller coasters and random food binges. I came at 28...

Guest Post over at Hollaback!

I wrote a post about how to re-do your blog over at Hollaback Health. Great group of women over there; enjoy not only my post but everything else they have out. Excellent resource for bloggers! ...

Stages of Acceptance – A Fat Girl in a Skinny World

Over at Hollaback Health, there was a post about Say Yes To The Dress: Big Bliss. It triggered a lot of resentment about big women singled out for being big and then subsequently exploiting and fetishizing fat women. I was in the minority in my disagreement. Mostly because my knee jerk reaction was...

Losing Faith in Science

Frankly, eating clean is not easy when you are ruled by instant gratification and a strong desire for bagels and cream cheese. Lately, I've been really making an effort to eat "clean", meaning cutting way back on heavily processed items. If I want bread, I make it. If I want rice, I...

Eating the Emptiness

A post written during a lunch hour last Friday: ------------------------------------------------------------------- Although this is sort of ironic to even post about this, let me tell you one of the things that I absolutely must improve on: negative self talk. I still have moments of self ridicule, of treating my body so poorly despite the fact that only moments...

Changing of the seasons

I don't know about anyone else, but once that great big ball of fire fails to be up before I do, experience a serious lack of hauling myself out of bed before 6:00 a.m. Mind: I've been up and at 'em between 5 and 5:45 if only to putz around the house, clean a...

Tweaking Diet Schmiet

I'm going through a massive organizational overhaul here. It is an extension of the newer look, easier navigation, better label/categories, etc. I'm going to try to stay away from actual posting on the main blog and tracking it all on the new page "Changing the Face of Diet Schmiet." Just so you know....

Sorry, I’m Not Sorry

Now that little message can be construed with a variety of tones. The first one that comes to mind is "bitchy." In your face. I just poured hot coffee all over you but since I loathe your existence, I'm sorry I'm not sorry. A *bit* much for ol' Loricious here, since the anger...

Here we go ’round the mullberry bush…

My life has been in a slight whirlwind of activity and I've let myself fall to the wayside in terms of nuturing myself and my delicate psyche. It's easy to lose sight of the goal when it passes you by; in my case a wedding and the subsequent BACK on those silly 5 stinking...

Recipe Review: Boston Cream Cake

Ingredients: 1 Box Yellow Cake 1 pkg of chocolate chips (I used milk chocolate) 1 pkg of instant french vanilla pudding 1-2 T of shortening Make pudding according to directions; put in fridge while the cake and everything bakes. Bake yellow cake in two 8-9" circle pans according to directions. I use applesauce in place of oil. Cool completely. Now,...

Recipe Review: Zucchini Bread

Everyone agrees that this is one of the best zucchini bread recipes around. My neighbors have raved, Mr. H wolfs down his fair share, and my brother wanted the recipe. I adapted it from the tried and true Better Homes and Gardens cookbook. Zucchini Bread Preheat 350 Ingredients: 1.5 c. all purpose flour 1 t. ground cinnamon (optional) 0.5 t. baking...

View the original article here

Guest Post over at Hollaback!

Posted by Loricious on 10/29/2010 in Main with No Comments

I wrote a post about how to re-do your blog over at Hollaback Health. Great group of women over there; enjoy not only my post but everything else they have out. Excellent resource for bloggers!

No post with similar tags yet.

Stages of Acceptance – A Fat Girl in a Skinny World

Over at Hollaback Health, there was a post about Say Yes To The Dress: Big Bliss. It triggered a lot of resentment about big women singled out for being big and then subsequently exploiting and fetishizing fat women. I was in the minority in my disagreement. Mostly because my knee jerk reaction was...

Losing Faith in Science

Frankly, eating clean is not easy when you are ruled by instant gratification and a strong desire for bagels and cream cheese. Lately, I've been really making an effort to eat "clean", meaning cutting way back on heavily processed items. If I want bread, I make it. If I want rice, I...

Eating the Emptiness

A post written during a lunch hour last Friday: ------------------------------------------------------------------- Although this is sort of ironic to even post about this, let me tell you one of the things that I absolutely must improve on: negative self talk. I still have moments of self ridicule, of treating my body so poorly despite the fact that only moments...

Oh, me buttocks

They be sore. I started yoga again this last Monday. My work offers classes at a reasonable price and I've desperately wanted to do it again but never got up the momentum to bust out the mat at home. The result: my tush is achy. EVERYTHING is achy, more than a jog...

Changing of the seasons

I don't know about anyone else, but once that great big ball of fire fails to be up before I do, experience a serious lack of hauling myself out of bed before 6:00 a.m. Mind: I've been up and at 'em between 5 and 5:45 if only to putz around the house, clean a...

Tweaking Diet Schmiet

I'm going through a massive organizational overhaul here. It is an extension of the newer look, easier navigation, better label/categories, etc. I'm going to try to stay away from actual posting on the main blog and tracking it all on the new page "Changing the Face of Diet Schmiet." Just so you know....

Sorry, I’m Not Sorry

Now that little message can be construed with a variety of tones. The first one that comes to mind is "bitchy." In your face. I just poured hot coffee all over you but since I loathe your existence, I'm sorry I'm not sorry. A *bit* much for ol' Loricious here, since the anger...

Here we go ’round the mullberry bush…

My life has been in a slight whirlwind of activity and I've let myself fall to the wayside in terms of nuturing myself and my delicate psyche. It's easy to lose sight of the goal when it passes you by; in my case a wedding and the subsequent BACK on those silly 5 stinking...

Recipe Review: Boston Cream Cake

Ingredients: 1 Box Yellow Cake 1 pkg of chocolate chips (I used milk chocolate) 1 pkg of instant french vanilla pudding 1-2 T of shortening Make pudding according to directions; put in fridge while the cake and everything bakes. Bake yellow cake in two 8-9" circle pans according to directions. I use applesauce in place of oil. Cool completely. Now,...

Recipe Review: Zucchini Bread

Everyone agrees that this is one of the best zucchini bread recipes around. My neighbors have raved, Mr. H wolfs down his fair share, and my brother wanted the recipe. I adapted it from the tried and true Better Homes and Gardens cookbook. Zucchini Bread Preheat 350 Ingredients: 1.5 c. all purpose flour 1 t. ground cinnamon (optional) 0.5 t. baking...

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